REAL LIFE MAMA WHO KNOWS: ERICA HOLLAND. (PART TWO)

Yesterday, Army wife, Erica Holland answered questions about her husband's recent deployment. Today, she talks about keeping positive amidst a long separation and about preparing your family to be reunited after being apart. 

Here we go.

Annika preparing for Dads safe return.

Are there certain things that you did at home to keep a positive attitude during his deployment?

Yes. Absolutely. You can be happy and positive during a deployment, but you have to decide that you want to be, and you have to make an effort. I was given some wonderful advice before the deployment by some of my very good (and more experienced) friends. You have to stay busy, and you have to set goals. It doesn't really matter what it is, but find a hobby or a passion, get involved in the community, decide you are going to work out and look good when your husband comes home, read books, start a blog, join a club, just make sure you are doing something. One of my friends decided to start a cooking blog and jokes that she baked her way through the deployment. Another friend starting making bows and hair ribbons. I decided I really wanted to be a better photographer, and starting taking a lot of pictures. I also coached the high school softball team.  I had a wonderful group of friends, and I think the Lord really blessed me that way. We ate together probably 3 or 4 times a week (because cooking for yourself is really lame). We watched each other's kids, we went to the park, and we just bummed around each other's houses. It was like having a family here in Germany. 

How did you support your husband in his job at such a distance?

Uh... I don't know if I was very helpful. Sometimes when your husband is gone you get stressed, and it feels like his fault. You want to say "You have no idea how hard it is being here with all the kids. I can't believe you left me to do this by myself." You're right. He doesn't know how hard it is.  But, you don't know how hard his job is either, and I can't imagine being gone from my kids for as long as he was. So, just remember that the separation is a very different experience for each of you, but hard for both of you. Try to be positive, and sympathetic to his difficulties, even if you don't fully understand them.  

What things did you learn during this time of separation from your husband?

I learned how much I appreciate having my husband home, and I try not to take him for granted.  

Like during any trial, my testimony was strengthened, and my relationship with the Lord improved. I starting looking for tender mercies, and I found them everyday. I developed a wonderful friendship with Annika, because I depended on her almost as much as she depended on me. Too bad she totally favors her Dad now. I learned that I can do hard things, and that I am more resilient than I thought I was. 

Reunion of Brad, Erica and Annika. June '09.

What would be your advice to any mom and wife facing a similar situation?

Decide before the separation what you are going to to do make it work. Then be flexible. Stay positive. Try not to think of how your life would be different if your spouse were around. Just say "this is my life right now" and then look for all the things that make it wonderful. Humble yourself enough to ask for help, because you will need it at some point. Set goals, but don't be too hard on yourself. Pray. Pray some more. 

The only other thing I feel like I should mention is that redeployment (when everyone comes home) is the hardest part of a deployment for many families. You have been apart for so long that you have built entirely separate lives out of necessity. You are both physically and emotionally exhausted. As a Mom, you are just waiting for your husband to walk through the door so he can take the kids and you can get a break. Your husband is so excited to be able to sit on a couch and get a full night of sleep and he needs a break too. If you have expectations for each other, it can cause some conflict. It takes a little time for your spouse to reintegrate himself into your family and your routine. You feel like you have it all figured out, and it is hard to let go and let him do it his own way. But you have to. Let him be involved, even if he does it all wrong (from your point of view). You had time to figure out parenting and make mistakes, so give your spouse that chance too. Life after a deployment is not going to be the same as it was before, and it is not going to work the same as when he was gone. You have to create a "new normal" together. Our homecoming was wonderful and really very smooth, but just know that it isn't for everyone, and you have to be patient and sympathetic and understanding. 

 

Homecoming. June '09

Thank you Erica! Your gave some very profound advice, that can be applied to all of our current situations. 

Finally, I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge these wonderful military families. Erica and Brad are just one of many families who are sacrificing so much for our freedom, and I for one feel very grateful for their great sacrifices.

REAL LIFE MAMA WHO KNOWS: ERICA HOLLAND. (PART ONE)

LT Holland saying goodbye to six-week old Annika. May '08

 
I posted last week about "Road Warrior" families. Turns out there are quite a few of us who have endured or are enduring separation in our families. Such is life these days.

Erica Holland and her husband Brad are what I would consider an "Ultimate Road Warrior" family. They spent 13-months apart while Brad was deployed to Iraq with the U.S. Army. I had a chance to send Erica a few questions about their separation and what she did as a wife and mom to keep her family strong.

And, she gave such great and thorough answers, that I have split the interview into two parts. Enjoy!

How about an introduction.
Let's see. I'm Erica. I'm a wife, a mom, and a photographer. I like to read cookbooks and sing along to classic musicals. I want to have a clean house, but sometimes when I set the table for dinner, I find the breakfast dishes are still there. I am Mom to Annika, who is almost 2 1/2, and to Lucy and Elise who are now 6 months old. Brad and I just celebrated our 5th anniversary. He commissioned into the Army three years ago, but it still feels new to me. Today at dinner our friend mentioned how during his MRE he had to move the 88s out of the box two days before it went cold. He had to take them to the washrack, but the full-bird wasn't tracking so he had to buff it out.  Hooah. After dinner Brad translated for me (and helped me write this, because I am still not really sure what we were talking about). We moved to Germany in October of 2007 and I was three months pregnant. Brad was gone at training exercises for most of October, November and December of that year. Annika was born on April 1st, 2008 and Brad deployed to Iraq on May 21st. The next time we saw Brad was in February of 2009 for two weeks of leave (vacation), when Annika was nine months old.  He came home for good at the end of June. He was gone for a total of 13 months. I've have successfully survived a deployment, but that doesn't mean I have it all figured out.  I would love comments on what works for your family, because I am sure there are more separations in our future.

How did you keep Annika connected with her dad (and he with her), while your husband was away?
Brad is a Signal Officer, which means he is in charge of communications. As such, he was generally located on large operating bases with his own internet connection. We talked on Skype a lot. We paid a lot for Brad to have personal internet, but it was a good investment for us. Once Annika got a little older, she enjoyed being able to talk to her Dad and see him on the computer. I think she may have actually thought that Daddy lived in the computer. One of the best things Brad did was to make a movie for Annika before he left. He just videotaped himself reading a bunch of stories, and then playing some simple games like peek-a-boo. He recorded most of it before Annika was even born, and I think he felt a bit foolish doing it at times, but it helped Annika feel close to a Dad she didn't know. I should post some of it, but I think he is already mortified that so many people other than Annika have seen it. Since she was so young, the books didn't interest her as much as the games. He just played peek-a-boo and talked to her, made animal noises with stuffed animals,  and named parts of his face, etc... She loved it (and I got a good laugh out of it too).  

 

Annika and Dad skyping.

What things did you do to strengthen your personal relationship with Brad while he was away?
Before Brad even left we decided that we needed to make our relationship a priority while he was gone. We made an effort to talk, even when we were both tired and didn't always feel like it. We did our best to continue praying together and reading scriptures (although we weren't as consistent as we could have been.) It is sometimes awkward to pray together over the phone or on Skype, but it always brought peace. We both knew that the best way to maintain our relationship was to keep our personal relationship with the Lord strong. God is the binding in any marriage, and so even when you are thousands of miles apart, He can keep you together. We were always honest, and still consulted each other for bigger decisions, purchases, etc... I was learning to be a parent without Brad, but I tried to keep him involved by asking him what he would have done in different situations, and by taking lots of pictures and videos of Annika for him.

Stay tuned for part two tomorrow where Erica gives advice on how to reintegrate your family after a long separation. In the mean time, check out Erica's photography blog, if our paths ever cross again I will be sure to have Erica do our family photos. 

All images courtesy of Erica Holland